When the Mood Weighs Heavy

Let me warn you, this post may turn out to be less than cheerful and happy – it could even turn bitchy and whiney. By giving you this forewarning, I hereby relieve myself of any responsibility for any residue you might feel if you read it. Because isn’t that what we do now, relieve ourselves of any responsibility for whatever reactions might be caused by our actions?

I mowed the lawn today – mowing the lawn leaves my mind free to roam at will, to conjure up thoughts that I might normally keep buried, because. . . because they are disturbing, because they allow my heart the freedom to weep, to feel distress. The state of this world, this humanity that seems to lack a lot of humanity, the blustering of children dressed as men, the one-upmanship, the “top that” in the column of stupid, inane, inappropriate, childish remarks. How did we get here?

I suspect the route to “here” was not a direct route, but one that meandered, changed direction, wandered backwards, then forwards, in a constant state of confusion, a route that took many years. I suspect that route was littered with dreams not fulfilled, hopes turned cold, ignoring instead of caring, confusions – and no support from a government that could not, would not, did not function. A government that has forgotten, by choice or by greed, what its function was meant to be. A government that cared more for each individual comprising that government and the party of their choice than it did for its people – those “for the people, by the people” people. By men who had attained a modicum of power, who enjoyed that power, who were quicker to line their pockets at every opportunity than they were to remember how they got into those positions of power – to remember the reasons for striving for their positions they must surely have felt at some point in time.

This route that sapped the energy of the people of this country, that drained their good will, that immersed them in a sense of desperation for change, for acknowledgment, for an awareness of their existence and the difficulties in maintaining that existence. When the people of the “mightiest country in the world” have to scrape to fill basic needs like food and housing, who do not have the ability to take trips, to go on vacation, to relax and enjoy, even if only for a little while, what ensues is desperation. Focusing inward on one selves, because there is no energy left to look outward, and the concept of someone caring has become foreign. The futility of trying to be a good person, because there appears to be no solace, no reward, no appreciation.

When a salesman, a manipulator with the chutzpah and wealth to make himself heard enters this picture of desperation, promising to put these people in front, to give them everything needed to make their lives better, to forbid the presence of others who might seem to be threats – who promotes these others as threats, when in reality our biggest threat to ourselves is that – ourselves – enters the scene and promises salvation, promises the refueling of income-earning positions that are outdated and archaic and serve no purpose in the here and now – reason departs. We grasp onto the stick bearing promises of better times, promises not meant to be kept, we let our emotions dictate, we rush enmass to embrace what seems to be hope. Seems to be hope – because we can only allow ourselves to hear what we want to hear, we force ourselves to ignore all of those signs of warning – we clutch. Because we feel like we are drawing our last breaths.

It is hard to admit perhaps we made a mistake. It is hard to give up that hope that was promised. It is easy to buy into the anger and hate and lack of tolerance that is being spewed several times a day – every day. On every topic. We are allowing ourselves to be led into darkness, to demonstrate behaviors our forebears would have abhorred and not allowed. We are becoming those “ugly Americans”. We are losing who we were, who we were meant to be. Because we blind ourselves to reality, see only what we want to see, and hear only what we want to hear.

And so I despair, and I miss the smiles, the kindnesses, the hopefulness of the life I once lived. I know it’s out there still, but it’s so very hard to reach.