When the Mood Weighs Heavy

Let me warn you, this post may turn out to be less than cheerful and happy – it could even turn bitchy and whiney. By giving you this forewarning, I hereby relieve myself of any responsibility for any residue you might feel if you read it. Because isn’t that what we do now, relieve ourselves of any responsibility for whatever reactions might be caused by our actions?

I mowed the lawn today – mowing the lawn leaves my mind free to roam at will, to conjure up thoughts that I might normally keep buried, because. . . because they are disturbing, because they allow my heart the freedom to weep, to feel distress. The state of this world, this humanity that seems to lack a lot of humanity, the blustering of children dressed as men, the one-upmanship, the “top that” in the column of stupid, inane, inappropriate, childish remarks. How did we get here?

I suspect the route to “here” was not a direct route, but one that meandered, changed direction, wandered backwards, then forwards, in a constant state of confusion, a route that took many years. I suspect that route was littered with dreams not fulfilled, hopes turned cold, ignoring instead of caring, confusions – and no support from a government that could not, would not, did not function. A government that has forgotten, by choice or by greed, what its function was meant to be. A government that cared more for each individual comprising that government and the party of their choice than it did for its people – those “for the people, by the people” people. By men who had attained a modicum of power, who enjoyed that power, who were quicker to line their pockets at every opportunity than they were to remember how they got into those positions of power – to remember the reasons for striving for their positions they must surely have felt at some point in time.

This route that sapped the energy of the people of this country, that drained their good will, that immersed them in a sense of desperation for change, for acknowledgment, for an awareness of their existence and the difficulties in maintaining that existence. When the people of the “mightiest country in the world” have to scrape to fill basic needs like food and housing, who do not have the ability to take trips, to go on vacation, to relax and enjoy, even if only for a little while, what ensues is desperation. Focusing inward on one selves, because there is no energy left to look outward, and the concept of someone caring has become foreign. The futility of trying to be a good person, because there appears to be no solace, no reward, no appreciation.

When a salesman, a manipulator with the chutzpah and wealth to make himself heard enters this picture of desperation, promising to put these people in front, to give them everything needed to make their lives better, to forbid the presence of others who might seem to be threats – who promotes these others as threats, when in reality our biggest threat to ourselves is that – ourselves – enters the scene and promises salvation, promises the refueling of income-earning positions that are outdated and archaic and serve no purpose in the here and now – reason departs. We grasp onto the stick bearing promises of better times, promises not meant to be kept, we let our emotions dictate, we rush enmass to embrace what seems to be hope. Seems to be hope – because we can only allow ourselves to hear what we want to hear, we force ourselves to ignore all of those signs of warning – we clutch. Because we feel like we are drawing our last breaths.

It is hard to admit perhaps we made a mistake. It is hard to give up that hope that was promised. It is easy to buy into the anger and hate and lack of tolerance that is being spewed several times a day – every day. On every topic. We are allowing ourselves to be led into darkness, to demonstrate behaviors our forebears would have abhorred and not allowed. We are becoming those “ugly Americans”. We are losing who we were, who we were meant to be. Because we blind ourselves to reality, see only what we want to see, and hear only what we want to hear.

And so I despair, and I miss the smiles, the kindnesses, the hopefulness of the life I once lived. I know it’s out there still, but it’s so very hard to reach.

About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 1 dog, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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21 Responses to When the Mood Weighs Heavy

  1. I just returned home to the USA from four months in Japan, one of the kindest and most respectful societies I have ever encountered. I have returned to this nightmare that our country is living through, to the horrible white supremacist display in my home state of Virginia, in the normally peaceful and beautiful town of Charlottesville. I am appalled and thoroughly disheartened that we have allowed ourselves as a country to devolve to this low level of behavior, hatred, blame, and entitlement. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep for the last two days, to escape the atmosphere to which I’ve returned. Granted, I’m jet lagged and it will take me awhile to acclimate to the time change, but do I really want to become acclimated? I’m not sure I do. I don’t recognize this country. What has become of us? What WILL become of us?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jay53 says:

    We watch what is going on in America and shake our heads, feeling extremely sad for the position in which you find yourselves, but the unpalatable truth is that we are not a million miles behind you. We have the white supremacists, the neo-nazies, the intolerant, the ‘go back where you came from’ lobby, the ‘Christians’ who manage somehow to twist the message into ‘no tax cuts, no free food, no state help for you slackers’ (and worse), and the NIMBYs. What we don’t have (thank the Lord) is the orange buffoon, or anyone remotely like him .. but as I said, we are not a million miles behind you and the vote percentages for the far right have been creeping up, election by election.

    Did we inadvertently breed whole generations like this? Did we inculcate such entitlement and intolerance? All I know is that I – and my friends and family – tried our best to bring up well-balanced kids who would contribute to society, not break it down. Do I hear myself begin to think ‘Where did we go wrong?’ Or should I blame Political Correctness for allowing these factions an unchallenged voice?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Carol says:

      I wish I had a real answer. The thought that if we continue to abuse our freedoms as we are, we’re likely to lose them keeps pounding at me.


      • jay53 says:

        We are already beginning to lose them over here, Carol. We no longer have true freedom of speech because we are all watched for potential signs of terrorist or racist or gender-ist tendencies at work and in public areas, all the time. We no longer have total freedom to demonstrate peacefully (under the terrorism laws, public gatherings can be banned/dispersed in certain areas), employees no longer have total freedom about who they can and can’t employ (mostly a good thing, although for smaller businesses it can be extremely difficult), and we are watched day and night on thousands of security cameras.

        The more the insanity of terrorism and racism and gender/sexual orientation discrimination goes on, the more freedoms we will lose in the name of public safety. I yearn for the days of my childhood when it was safe to roam outdoors, be stupid, say what you liked to whom you liked, and make your own mistakes without being videoed and notated. If we upset people, we suffered the consequences, but I knew no kids who had really gone off the rails, and no teenagers who were seriously dangerous. If we made mistakes we suffered the consequences. If we broke the law we certainly suffered the consequences. It was not unknown for our parents’ friends and neighbours to tell us off or grab us by the arm and march us home if we transgressed and the community kind of policed itself in a gentle kind of way. We learned from this how to behave in society. Now, nobody is allowed to touch a child for fear of being accused of ‘inappropriate’ or abusive contact, so kids thumb their noses at adults and figures of authority alike, and in a lot of neighbourhoods it’s actually hard to meet your neighbours because they keep to themselves.

        Can you tell I’ve mused on this quite a lot myself? It saddens me deeply to see the way our society is changing, and not for the better.


        • Carol says:

          Like you, I think of my childhood days with yearning – for the ease of it, the freedom to roam without concern, the clearcut rules. I think the loss of the freedoms you discuss has become pretty universal because it seems the norm of society today is to react before thinking, and often to over react. Like modern parenting, the helicopter nature of our protections is stifling and crippling.


  3. loisajay says:

    What is especially horrifying to me is that the people who elected Trump still see him as the answer to whatever questions they had. Was the hatred for the Clintons so intense, and the promises of the orange buffoon, to quote Jay 53, so great that his followers have lost all sense of reason? I can shake my head every single day, but until someone, anyone, decides enough is enough, what can we do? I really want to know.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gobblefunkist says:

    Carol, you and your country is not alone. Perhaps it is in teh air, but all of last weekend, I was in abject panic at the state of my nation as well. WE enter our 70th year of independence tomorrow, and my country is in the deepest pit I have seen it in yet. Our government is ok, I guess, but our people are degenerating like no other. I toyed with the idea of writing about this in my blog, but just couldn’t muster courage.
    Hugs to you my sister. You and I are in the same boat.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. dawnkinster says:

    Ah Carol. I’ve tried to stay away from the television, the radio for weeks now. I watch or listen a bit, feel sick and turn it off. It’s been that way for me from before the election but of course intensified after. I try to stay neutral but the more I read and hear and see the harder that is. Still. The temptation is to build my little bubble and wait until the next election, and the one after that and the one after that… But I fear nothing is really ever going to resolve and we will continue to move into dangerous countries, into dangerous philosophies, into dangerous actions. I want to stay in my little cocoon. It all seems to be so hopeless.

    But whenever I’ve counseled someone who was faced with a huge, seemingly hopeless situation or task I always tell them to just begin. To take baby steps. One tiny step toward a resolution, then another. Otherwise it’s impossible to deal. And that is what I have to do. I have to open my mouth a little bit, stand up for one friend in a bad situation, talk to someone that scares me, agree to listen to the other side without instantly forming an opinion. These are the things I can do as one person. That I can encourage another person to do…and another…until maybe someday we’ll have a flashmob of open, listening, caring people talking just a little, standing up for someone once in awhile, listening with an open heart, not speaking before understanding….maybe that’s what has to happen.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. leendadll says:

    this caused me to wonder where we’d be if Hitler & nazis hadn’t already happened once. Would be be further down the path of self, and world, destruction?


    • Carol says:

      Impossible to say. Any change in history would result in ever-widening ripples of further change. I think our trek to destruction of life as we’ve known it is speeding up considerably though.

      Liked by 1 person

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