Yearning, Regretting, Feeling Sad, Feeling – What?

This morning my feelings are all jumbled up. I see green stubs poking through the ground and the dusting of snow outside my window, and I am yearning for those stubs to grow and blossom. That’s weeks away yet, but I am ready. I yearn for the feeling of moist earth between my fingers, for the time to get out and clean up the debris from last year’s blooms, to try to tame the weeds – a futile effort – for the smell of rich earth and green grass.

I regret that there are times in my past life where I did not try harder, was not a little wiser and more empathetic. I stumbled upon some Facebook posts a couple of days ago that roused my curiosity, my concern, and brought up times now long past. These posts concerned the daughter of an ex-husband with whom I had sporadic contact, and led me to believe that she died. Apparently she has, but details are not forthcoming. She was about my daughter’s age, a year or so younger. She had a harsh life. She had a mother that tried, but was crippled in too many ways and died too young. She had a father – my ex – that loved only when you performed to his expectations, and she had a hard time keeping up with those expectations, eventually giving up and rebelling. He was a man who could not love himself, therefore could love no one else. He could not accept the fact that perhaps he did deserve happiness, so he worked, very successfully, to destroy relationships that seemed to be providing, or able to provide, happiness. She and I clashed – we tried to work things out, but she resisted me and I did not have the wisdom to find my way to help her the way she needed to be helped. She struggled, and at times it looked as if she might just make it – might just find the happiness we all deserve. But the father’s self-destruct mechanism had embedded itself in her, and those times were short-lived. It appears she died alone. Oh, she had friends, but her need to have someone that loved her as she was, without expectation, and would stand by her through the hell that much of her life was – that need was never filled. She was not without blame. She was lost. I am sad.

Yet, the sun shines, the birds are singing, I am comfortable in my surroundings. I am grateful that my children have grown into responsible adults, independent and adventurous – despite my shortcomings, despite those things in the past that perhaps I would change if I could be certain that change would be for the better, but yet not change the core of who we have become.

I read the headlines – I listen for the news reports – I try to absorb what the politicians are saying, trying to sift through what should be, can be, believed and what is obviously not reality. I worry though – seriously, are these people we’re really considering putting into the position of being the president of our country? Where are we headed? Is there anyone out there with a shred of common sense? Why is it I almost always seem to end up voting for the lesser of the evils?

So I sit here, yearning for the warmth of spring, for the bright blossoms that sing out the time for a fresh start. Regretting things that are out of my control, that cannot be changed. Feeling sad because there are too many lost lives in this world. Feeling – frustrated, confused, content. Feeling the warmth of my home, of my loved ones, of my furry girls. But – wanting a little more – a little something not identifiable.

It is enough. I wish it were for everybody.

About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 1 dog, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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12 Responses to Yearning, Regretting, Feeling Sad, Feeling – What?

  1. Dawn says:

    Oh Carol. It’s always so sad to find on Facebook that someone has died. Especially in circumstances that make that death especially hard. I’m sending you peaceful thoughts. I think some days everything we have is just not enough, just for a time. The little buds will grow, the sun will shine. And I hope you can remember some good out of the relationship you had with her.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Robin says:

    Perhaps it’s the time of year that makes us feel a lot of those things. I’m sorry about the death of your lost one, and hope that somewhere in death, love and acceptance were waiting for her.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. suzicate says:

    That is so sad about your ex husband’s daughter.
    Politicians? I have no use for or faith in most who are currently in office nor those who are running for election. This world is in sad shape.
    I’ve only learned this in reflection of my own life and the person I’ve become. It is often the shortcomings as well as the nourishment of parents which push their children to blossom. I think we’re provided with what we need to push us in areas of weakness and compliment our assets, just my opinion.
    I understand your melancholy of the day. I feel much the same. A walk around the neighborhood to experiment with my new macro lens was definitely a lift to my day.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Carol — I’m sorry for the young woman who died. Alone. Being isolated (by design, be behavior, by whatever-the-cause) is heartbreaking.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. loisajay says:

    My turn to send you big hugs, Carol. I am so sorry for this–for all your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lakeafton says:

    You express that mixture of contrary emotions very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Karma says:

    There is much restlessness afloat it seems, as I read and reflect and think this morning. I’m glad you’ve found your peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. leendadll says:

    We all do the best we can, when we can. Don’t beat yourself up about the past.
    If you long for warm soil, you can come to my house and I’ll water the yard and you can clean up long past your point of contentment. I really don’t enjoy gardening in the least and, therefore, rarely bother.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lisa says:

    Your closing paragraph captures my thoughts and feelings exactly. I’ve been contemplating life a lot lately and doing a lot of introspection. Reading about the lost woman in your past life really drives home how broken our world is; and how precious relationships are to everyone. As for the politics, I am simply sick over the choices (or lack thereof), and shudder at what is going to happen in just a few short months. Can you tell I’m having a rather Eeyore-ish day?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dear Carol,
    You are such a good writer! You have captured feelings that I have felt, but could never express so well. You describe what it is to be human, which sometimes means regret about what we can’t go back and change. My mom used to say, “Poor everyone.” She gave the world credit and said, “Everyone is doing the best he or she can.” And I guess what I would say is to take what you have learned, all the wisdom and compassion you have acquired over your lifetime and apply it to the future as best you can. Personally, I think you should write a book of reflections, maybe even memoirs or a thinly veiled work of fiction about working with all the guys at Train Mountain–I’m sure you could tell lots of great stories!
    Sending love and good wishes,

    Liked by 1 person

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