It’s Raining, Inside and Out

These past two weeks since I returned from visiting the Author have been difficult for me. I’m attributing a good deal of that difficulty to my choice to stop taking my Serotonin booster medications – an effort to take as few pills as possible. Mistake, I have learned. Bad choice. So now, if you read on, you will share those difficulties with me, a little bit (hopefully only a little bit) of wallowing happening here. A little bit of fungi too – like that which has been on my attitude.

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I have been attempting to help The Artistic One prepare for her move to Santa Fe, New Mexico, since I returned – all the while fighting my selfish desire to keep her here, along with some selfish resentment for her choice to leave. Yet I know it is best for her – she will be happier there and the internet offers many opportunities for frequent communication. I also know I have other dear friends here. But I want it all. She drove off with her little dog this morning, the first leg of her multiple day trip, which will be broken up by stops to visit with friends along the way. It is the beginning of a new adventure for her, and will provide another place to visit for me. Our neighborhood has threatened to descend upon her there – all of us at one time. That’ll teach her!

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The fact that the black and white season is looming is also distressing in some ways. I want forever fall, I guess – or spring – or both. I want to be able to walkabout when I feel like it without slogging through snow or cold. I don’t want icy roads to inhibit my movement, my ability to just go somewhere if I choose to. Yet, there is a part of me that welcomes the enforced staying in where it’s warm and cozy, to do those things that I like to do that outside work interferes with. Life is full of conflicting emotions, isn’t it?

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There is that nagging inability to respond to the “how are you doing?” question with the enthusiastic “great!” that was so common to me a month ago. That, undoubtedly, is the lack of serotonin influence.

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All of this will pass, as things always do. I will see my doctor next week, I will get back on track, I will learn (someday) to recognize that as we get older things change. I will learn to recognize that what really matters is the quality of life, that life is short and some ideals are simply not practical anymore.

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I will rid myself of the fungi eating at my attitude, and I will once again know that truly I have enough.

Just maybe not today. But there is always tomorrow.

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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23 Responses to It’s Raining, Inside and Out

  1. Heather says:

    Sometimes tomorrow is the best time to do anything πŸ˜‰
    Having friends is hard. You love them, they frustrate you, they move. It’s funny, but it often seems like they have a purpose to their lives beyond satisfying our own. Silly of them. I really do understand your turmoil and hope that you do indeed keep in touch. Tony and I have some friends who we’ve stayed very close to over the years and places, and others we’ve let slide. I guess that’s also the way of life.
    You already know how nature is treating us, so I’ll just wish you the best at staving off those flakes until you’re good and ready for them!

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  2. suzicate says:

    It’s hard to have your good friend move away, mine did several years ago…but telephone conversations make it a bit easier. Hugs.

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  3. Tomorrow will hold enough. I promise.

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  4. I’m sorry you’re feeling down; I know how it is to lose good friends to long distances. Those friends will forever hold a place in your heart and your memories. And hopefully you will still communicate. When you do visit, I’m sure you will pick up right where you left off, as if no time has passed. But still it’s hard not to have that dear friend close by to share activities and your pleasures and heartbreaks.

    Your fungi shots are marvelous; remember there is some beauty to be found in every aspect of life. Even in the fungi, in the partings, in the sorrows. xxx

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  5. Joanne says:

    Yes Carol, tomorrow you will have enough again. We can’t always answer “great” to “how are you doing”, we wouldn’t be human if we could…..and you can visit The Artistic One…..sending you a huge hug across the internet waves. ❀

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  6. Yes, quality in all the little moments as well as the big ones. I hope that you can answer “great” again soon.

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  7. Angelia Sims says:

    Lifting you up in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, a lack of serotonin, probably doesn’t help, but who can resist trying to take fewer pills. None of us want a crutch (although sometimes we need it!). I know you will be good as new very soon. There is a song called I’m only human. Aren’t we all? It’s okay to feel all the feels. Give yourself hugs and time to grieve the loss of your friend.

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  8. dawnkinster says:

    Not easy to do, that focusing on what you do have v.s. what you don’t. I remember when a good friend called me to say she was moving from MI to Florida. Heartbreaking. We’ve only seen each once in the 15 years, but we talk regularly online and of course in the yearly Christmas letter. But the once we met in person it was as if we’d never been apart. Made me cry all over again when she had to go home. It’s hard. But Santa Fe will be a lovely place to visit, especially in winter. Start planning now! I hope tomorrow is better for you. If you want to read about the RV lifestyle read this woman’s blog: http://rvsueandcrew.net/

    I’m thinking about you if that helps. You and the furbabies hunker down and enjoy a cozy nap and a cup of tea. The world will still be out there when you’re ready for it.

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  9. Karma says:

    We all have the right to wallow now and then, and your blogging friends are happy to let you do it. Maybe you should think about wintering in New Mexico with your friend!

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  10. Dawn says:

    Karma has an excellent idea Carol!

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    • Carol says:

      Karma and Dawn, that would be something to consider, except: Santa Fe is no warmer than we are in the winter; The Artistic One is staying with a friend until she finds a place of her own; my 2 dogs and 2 cats make it too complicated. Such is life.

      Sent from my iPad

      >

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  11. Robin says:

    I’m feeling a similar inner raining attitude after a cloudy, windy, not-feeling-so-great weekend. The sun is shining today, and that is helpful. It’s sad to have a friend move away. Or to be the friend that does the moving. I hope today is better, and that you have found, as you say/write, Enough. πŸ™‚

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  12. Barb says:

    Hello, I have just wandered here from somewhere else, and I want to tell you that I’m enjoying your photography. I live in CO – it’s snowing today and blowing. I want to take my walk, but I also want to sit by the fire and read. Guess which “want” won. Twenty years ago, my best friend left CO to move to AZ. She’s still my best friend, though I do miss that she’s not HERE. Feel better soon.

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  13. Lisa says:

    My BFF moved to Colorado and I miss her every day. Moving into winter is a convicted time for me as well. I hate to be cold, but sometimes I long for a reason to stay inside, curled up on the couch with hot chocolate. πŸ™‚ I don’t embrace change well either….but that doesn’t keep change from encroaching my life.

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  14. Dear Carol,
    I have been behind in my blogging–much company, travel, and my brother’s medical problems. I am so sorry to have missed this. I hope that you are back on your mood booster and feeling better. I understand what you are feeling about The Artistic One’s leaving. Right now I am dreading my Cousin Nancy’s departure to England for two years, as well as a possible relocation on the East Coast at the end of it. I am supporting her, and remaining as cheerful as possible. I will help her pack up and move, but there is an underlying sadness. My daughter Bea said, “Oh, Mom, your parties are really going to take a hit when Nancy moves.” I will have to work hard to find or make a new friend like Nancy, but she is still a loving presence in my life, even across the big pond. And as you say, there is the internet. And a great excuse to go to England.
    Sending you friendship and good thoughts from Seattle.
    Warmly,
    Naomi

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