These past two weeks since I returned from visiting the Author have been difficult for me. I’m attributing a good deal of that difficulty to my choice to stop taking my Serotonin booster medications – an effort to take as few pills as possible. Mistake, I have learned. Bad choice. So now, if you read on, you will share those difficulties with me, a little bit (hopefully only a little bit) of wallowing happening here. A little bit of fungi too – like that which has been on my attitude.
I have been attempting to help The Artistic One prepare for her move to Santa Fe, New Mexico, since I returned – all the while fighting my selfish desire to keep her here, along with some selfish resentment for her choice to leave. Yet I know it is best for her – she will be happier there and the internet offers many opportunities for frequent communication. I also know I have other dear friends here. But I want it all. She drove off with her little dog this morning, the first leg of her multiple day trip, which will be broken up by stops to visit with friends along the way. It is the beginning of a new adventure for her, and will provide another place to visit for me. Our neighborhood has threatened to descend upon her there – all of us at one time. That’ll teach her!
The fact that the black and white season is looming is also distressing in some ways. I want forever fall, I guess – or spring – or both. I want to be able to walkabout when I feel like it without slogging through snow or cold. I don’t want icy roads to inhibit my movement, my ability to just go somewhere if I choose to. Yet, there is a part of me that welcomes the enforced staying in where it’s warm and cozy, to do those things that I like to do that outside work interferes with. Life is full of conflicting emotions, isn’t it?
There is that nagging inability to respond to the “how are you doing?” question with the enthusiastic “great!” that was so common to me a month ago. That, undoubtedly, is the lack of serotonin influence.
All of this will pass, as things always do. I will see my doctor next week, I will get back on track, I will learn (someday) to recognize that as we get older things change. I will learn to recognize that what really matters is the quality of life, that life is short and some ideals are simply not practical anymore.
Just maybe not today. But there is always tomorrow.