The Battle is Lost. The War has Ended.

Husband lost his war – the battle with his cancer, the cancer that was discovered 5 years, 17 days ago, on December 8, 2008. The prognosis on that day was 3 to 5 years. Husband fought long and valiantly, and while he beat it longer than was predicted, it was a war that could not be won. He did wait until both Gep and Kat were here, knowing I would be okay, giving me that gift.

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In his sunset days, I am sad that he did not feel the beauty around him, only the pain and fear of what might follow his death.

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In his sunset days, I am glad that we held hands and said I love you.

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That the Artistic One encouraged Gep, Kat and his closest friends to write to him of their memories and feelings for him and assurances that he would be remembered, and that he read those letters repeatedly.

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That we had many good times, happy memories of our early days

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Of trips taken

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Adventures shared

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That we built our life of over 20 years together, turned the land surrounding our final home that we shared from a thicket of scrub

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to a place of beauty and peace

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that we enjoyed good friends and good times

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And now, I will learn how to live again, my life will go on. I will enjoy the beauty of sunsets to come

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I will flourish in the love that surrounds me

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I will find happiness and peace in my surroundings

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I will make peace with the void his departure has created

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I will hope for many more years of enough and know that he will look down on me from his new pain and worry-free afterlife and be happy for me.

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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27 Responses to The Battle is Lost. The War has Ended.

  1. Ruth says:

    What a touching and beautiful tribute to your warrior. Thinking of you as you begin your grief journey and find news to fill the void. So glad you are surrounded by love and support. Ruth

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  2. lisa says:

    I’m typing this through tears and my heart and prayers go out to you today. This is a beautiful tribute to him, and I know you have more words in your heart than can be put on paper. You’ve been such a strong woman through all of this. I hope Kat and Gep’s arrival will help comfort and support you now. Peace to you and know all of us bloggy buddies are holding you in our hearts. xoxo

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  3. Even though the beautiful sunsets are followed by darkness, there will be a new dawning day and a sunrise filled with hope. I wish you peace in the weeks ahead.

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  4. lauowolf says:

    You are in my thoughts.

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  5. suzicate says:

    This is a beautiful tribute, Carol. I am glad your dear children are with you during this difficult time. Much love to you. You will continue to be in my thoughts. May you find peace as you continue and always remember the beauty of love.

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  6. Dear Carol, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a long and trying struggle, for both of you. You’ve been so brave through all of this; I admire so much how you’ve shared your soul with all of us, and thus made yourself vulnerable. I hope and pray you will find “enough” in the days ahead. I feel certain you will still manage to enjoy the simple pleasures that life has to offer, as you seem to be able to find optimism in every situation.

    I’m so glad you have Gep and Kat with you to share your pain. It’s so great that the Artistic One encouraged them to write those letters to their father; they will always be glad they did that. I’m so glad he got to read those letters and that you got to hold his hand and tell him goodbye. My heart goes out to you and your family. Love and hugs to you. xxx

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  7. Robin says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, Carol. This is such a beautiful tribute to your husband, to your love, and to your life with him. Hugs, and wishing you peace, love, warmth, and “enough” to get you through the days of grief.

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  8. Carol – This is one of the most beautiful tributes I have ever been gifted to read. Thank you for sharing your heart and mind. May your future be filled with simple, slow moments that nourish your soul — with enough.

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  9. sjbchamp85 says:

    So sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful and a wonderful tribute to Pat. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  10. Dear Carol,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Through my tears I read your beautiful words, so full of love and wisdom. After my mom died, following a painful battle with cancer, I dreamed she came to me to help me rearrange the furniture in our new house, but I knew she was actually helping me adjust to my new life without her. In my dream, she gave me a little brown paper bag filled with homemade cookies. I’m an English major; I knew it represented all the gifts of a lifetime that she had given me, that her love and experience and stories would always be with me.
    The following year my first child was born, and more than ever I felt her presence through them. I expect it is the same for you, whenever you see your children, that you would feel your husband’s presence. I am so glad you have your wonderful kids and your dear friends to support and comfort you through this transition. You are all in my thoughts.
    Love,
    Naomi

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  11. Cee Neuner says:

    Carol dearest…your tribute is so touching and so very human. I admire you and your strength. I’m glad you could share as much as you did with him for the last five years. How very special and precious. The sun will rise again and you will continue on with a void deep void. But knowing you are loved hopefully will make that void not always seem so empty. Bless you my friend.

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  12. Heather says:

    Smiling and crying at the same time. Sorry for your loss, but so glad your children are there, and that you are admirably, amazingly going to go forward in peace and happiness. I wish you much love in the coming days. Though you’ll never fill his exact void, I hope that it will not seem so empty.
    Peace, and happiness and love for your new year Carol. May it truly be new and bright.

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  13. jay53j says:

    You are in my thoughts today, and will be in my thoughts in the future. Everyone has said it already, but I too think this was one of the most beautiful tributes, and it is so lovely to read that you said ‘I love you’ as you held hands. Take time to breathe now, because I’m pretty sure you’ve been holding your breath for quite a while.

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  14. Dawn says:

    Oh Carol. I’m so sad that he had to go…yet so happy that your children were able to make it home for you both. What a wonderful thing that people were able to write letters and that he had the time to read them…more than once. So many people don’t know how loved they are, it was a gift that he knew and was surrounded by all that love. You are surrounded too, and it’s a gift that you recognize it.

    Surely there will be empty feelings and sadness in your future but you are right, he will be looking down with love and you will find many signs of his love if you notice them. And I think you will. You will also have great joy in the future and will still be able to share that with him, just in another way.

    I wish I could hug you in real life..but cyber hugs will have to do.

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  15. Thinking of you today Carol. May you find strength and comfort all the days to come.

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  16. Robin says:

    Dear Carol,
    Please accept my deepest condolences. It seems so weird that I have never met you or your husband, and yet, I am sitting here in tears and sorrow for your loss. Words cannot say the right thing or say enough at a time like this. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling and what you are experiencing now, but you are in my thoughts.
    Peace, strength, comfort, and love,
    Robin

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  17. Joanne says:

    Carol, what a beautiful and touching tribute to Pat. I’m so pleased to hear that your children were there with you, as they always will be, and as you already know, Pat will be watching over you always. Sending you the warmest hug possible through the internet…I hope you can feel my heart touching yours with comforting thoughts. xxx

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  18. Jack and Cindy says:

    Thank you, Lord, for ending my friend’s pain. Pat and I have been good friends for over 23 yrs and we had good times, especially talking about flying. I will miss him greatly but I can handle the separation, with him having no pain and the memories of our flight instructing days. All pilots know the following poem, so I feel honored to read it for all of you on behalf of Pat.

    “High Flight” by John Magee
    Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
    And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
    Sunwards I’ve climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
    Of sun-split clouds — and done a thousand things
    You have not dreamed of – wheeled and soared and swung
    High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there,
    I’ve chased the shouting wind along and flung
    My eager craft through footless halls of air,
    Up, up the long delirious burning blue
    I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
    Where never lark, or even eagle, flew;
    And, while with silent, lifting mind I’ve trod
    The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
    Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

    Love to Carol, Gef, and Kat and all of you who knew him. Jack & Cindy

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  19. LG says:

    I am sorry for your loss. May you find the strength to bear with it.

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  20. Karma says:

    I’m so sorry Carol. Tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I read this beautiful post. I wish you comfort and love and beauty in the days to come.

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  21. Louise B says:

    Carol, Kat and Gef, there are no words that I could say, that have not already been spoken. Jerry and myself feel your grief and sadness Carol. Take strength in the love of your friends, as we are here when you need us. Hugs Louise and Jerry

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  22. Angelia Sims says:

    Oh Carol, my heart stings for you in this beautiful new world. His precious companionship so evident in your words and photos. I know he has found great peace and in that discovery gifted you this assurance. No more pain. However this courageous man is not gone, but just as you said, watching from all around. Peace, love, and blessings to you. My deepest sympathies go out to your family.

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  23. Kathy says:

    Oh, Carol! I have been away from the on-line world but lay abed last night thinking about you and wondering… This is a beautiful post, filled with both the joy of remembering and the ache of adjusting to a this new void. May “peace” and “enough” fill your heart in this upcoming new year. Many blessings…

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  24. Carol, my heartfelt condolences and prayers for the days ahead for you. What a beautiful tribute to your husband and your life together. Thank you so much for sharing this journey and letting everyone see the true beauty of your love together. Truly inspiring.

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  25. My heart is breaking for you, Carol. You will be in my prayers as you seek to find the new rhythm to your life. This lovely post reflects how many wonderful memories you have to revisit. Your general positive view of life will help you sometimes as well. And when you need a boost, seek us out – your blog-circle will be here to hold you up, Much love for the New Year and beyond.

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  26. pattisj says:

    Returned home after traveling for the holidays, and just now found your post. I’m sorry to hear of your loss as I read your tribute to your husband. God bless you and keep you. Hugs.

    Like

  27. Jayne says:

    So sorry Carol. What a beautiful tribute to your love. x

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