I Have Never Liked Roller Coasters

I have never liked roller coasters – but now I’m living on one.

Husband is in the hospital again. Tuesday night, after a pretty good day Tuesday, he suddenly became very very weak and very disoriented. He could not seem to comprehend the simplest of instructions. He did not want to lay down in bed, he did not want to keep his oxygen on, he did not know what he wanted to do, but he definitely didn’t want to do what I wanted him to. We battled bed for 3 hours, until I finally pulled a chair into the bedroom and got him settled there. For a little while. Then he yelled and I found him with his hands on his walker, but on his knees on the floor. He did not know why he got up or what he was trying to do.

Wednesday he had an appointment with the oncologist, who after listening to me tell about Tuesday night and a brief examination, which disclosed extremely low blood oxygen level, said he needed to go to ER immediately. Once there, considerable time and tests later, they thought he might have the beginnings of pneumonia and opted to admit him. Now, a couple of days and more tests later, they have diagnosed hypoxia (shortage of oxygen in the blood) but cannot find a physical reason for it. The roller coaster. Up and down, up and down. This is the sharp plunge down.

He is terribly confused. He has moments of lucidity, but the moments of confusion outweigh those. He has to have a “safety assistant” with him at all times because he is too weak to stand, but insists he needs to get out of bed and go do something – the something being a product of his imagination – he keeps pulling his oxygen and his heart monitor off. He is highly agitated, and has not slept for 24 hours now.

The doctor wanted to send him home today. I said I could not handle him in this condition. I learned that Tuesday night. I cannot guarantee he will not get up and wander about at night, risking a fall and broken bones. I cannot do it. I am at the end of my strength, my capabilities. They will keep him for the weekend and we will deal with what’s next then.

I pray. Stop the roller coaster for both of us. Make it better, or end it.