I Have Never Liked Roller Coasters

I have never liked roller coasters – but now I’m living on one.

Husband is in the hospital again. Tuesday night, after a pretty good day Tuesday, he suddenly became very very weak and very disoriented. He could not seem to comprehend the simplest of instructions. He did not want to lay down in bed, he did not want to keep his oxygen on, he did not know what he wanted to do, but he definitely didn’t want to do what I wanted him to. We battled bed for 3 hours, until I finally pulled a chair into the bedroom and got him settled there. For a little while. Then he yelled and I found him with his hands on his walker, but on his knees on the floor. He did not know why he got up or what he was trying to do.

Wednesday he had an appointment with the oncologist, who after listening to me tell about Tuesday night and a brief examination, which disclosed extremely low blood oxygen level, said he needed to go to ER immediately. Once there, considerable time and tests later, they thought he might have the beginnings of pneumonia and opted to admit him. Now, a couple of days and more tests later, they have diagnosed hypoxia (shortage of oxygen in the blood) but cannot find a physical reason for it. The roller coaster. Up and down, up and down. This is the sharp plunge down.

He is terribly confused. He has moments of lucidity, but the moments of confusion outweigh those. He has to have a “safety assistant” with him at all times because he is too weak to stand, but insists he needs to get out of bed and go do something – the something being a product of his imagination – he keeps pulling his oxygen and his heart monitor off. He is highly agitated, and has not slept for 24 hours now.

The doctor wanted to send him home today. I said I could not handle him in this condition. I learned that Tuesday night. I cannot guarantee he will not get up and wander about at night, risking a fall and broken bones. I cannot do it. I am at the end of my strength, my capabilities. They will keep him for the weekend and we will deal with what’s next then.

I pray. Stop the roller coaster for both of us. Make it better, or end it.

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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38 Responses to I Have Never Liked Roller Coasters

  1. Jayne says:

    So sorry Carol – thinking of you and sending love.

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  2. Sheri B says:

    Carol, I’m so sorry to hear of his current situation. Hugs to you.

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  3. Carol, I am so sorry. It is such a difficult situation, but it’s good to understand what you can manage and what you can’t. It was important to insist on keeping him in the hospital where there is supervision and help. For now, he is where he needs to be, and by the end of the weekend you will have a better idea of where to go from here. Don’t forget to take care of yourself so that you can be there for him. Sending you all good thoughts, and love.

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  4. cobbies69 says:

    My thoughts are with you both,,, 😉

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  5. Joanne says:

    You are doing the right thing by asking that he stays in the hospital, for your sake and his. Take one day at a time; you are so strong, really you are. Take care of yourself, dear Carol. xxx

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  6. How could a doctor possibly think your husband could go home in that state? He obviously needs round the clock medical care. Nights are such a difficult time too. Stupid, stupid doctors and cost cutting!
    I use the roller coaster metaphor about life all the time – we ride it up and down until the end. In fact, I said that very thing to my sister oh so recently. I am wishing that it was just a little more of a straighter, flatter path though.

    Best wishes and loving thought to you.

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  7. Kathy says:

    I never liked roller coasters either, Carol. Who needs that fear and thrill? So sorry for what you are going through. I am glad that you stood your ground about not having your husband go home. Glad the doctor listened, too. Thinking of you and your situation a lot these days.

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    • Carol says:

      Thank you Kathy. How is your father doing?

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      • Kathy says:

        He’s still pretty much symptom-free, Carol, except for the extreme weight loss and frailty. We had a lovely visit and got rid of so much accumulated stuff in the basement. He’s an avid collector so this was no easy feat! He’ll meet with the doc later this month and hear the results of the CAT scan, etc. They’re waiting to see if they can go to Florida this fall.

        I sat on the deck a while ago and cried thinking about what you’re going through and wondering if he will experience this too?

        Thank you for asking. Keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

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      • Carol says:

        Kathy, I hope for his sake and the sake of all of you that he does not.

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  8. “Make it better, or end it.”

    Carol, this is the “mantra” I’m holding for you.

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  9. Carol,
    Im so sorry to hear about your roller coaster ride. At least you were able to convince your doctor to let Husband stay in the hospital over the weekend. I hope you are catching your breath and able to relax a bit before the next ride. Have you looked into getting someone to come in and give you a hand? Near the end, my mother in law had an overnight nurse attend her husband so she could getsome sleep. There may also be non medical volunteers in your community who would allow you some respite. I have been doing that myself for a while through a volunteer organization.
    Your message is loud and clear…. get better or end this roller coaster. Best wishes.
    Laura

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  10. Cee Neuner says:

    My heart goes out to you both. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Prayers and energy being sent your way!

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  11. jay53 says:

    I hate roller coasters too, and this one you’re on is one of the worst. I’ve been thinking of you both, and sending you good thoughts.

    Please don’t drive yourself mad with trying to be perfect. That’s not possible at the best of times, but on a roller coaster which is out of your control and careering from high to low and swinging almost upside down when you least expect it, it’s unreasonable even to consider perfection. I have no idea what the doc was thinking to want you to take him home in that state, poor man. Poor you, too. It’s tough to remember you don’t have to be perfect when the medical profession seem to expect it of you.

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    • Carol says:

      Doctor is young. I guess it’s hard to understand a situation if you haven’t been there, Jay. Perhaps spending a few days in situations the rest of us have to live with should be part of the training.

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  12. Dawn says:

    Oh my. I’ve been thinking about you but caught up in my own world. This is so hard. You are right to stand up and say no. No is OK. You’re going to need more help if he does come home. I hope they will prescribe (or however they order it) home care for him, be it hospice of something else. You can’t take care of him yourself, 24/7. No one should expect that.

    Meanwhile, get some sleep this weekend if you can. Gather your strength. Accept all our cyber hugs, I hope they make you feel a little better. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

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  13. lauowolf says:

    Knowing the limits of your strength is wisdom.
    My thoughts are with you both.

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  14. My thoughts are with you. Be strong.

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  15. Karma says:

    Aw, Carol, I can’t begin to imagine what it is like for you right now. I hope you are getting some answers and that the situation is improving for you. Hugs sent across the country to you.

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  16. I don’t know where you are spiritually, Carol, but I’ve heard the expression “God won’t give us anything we can’t handle”. I’ve found peace in that during my own tribulations. It may not seem like it, but you impress me as being so strong. But gather strength, too, from friends, family & well-wishers like us. Prayers for both you and husband.

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  17. LG says:

    Oh God, you are having such a hard time. May God give you the strength to face this and whatever may come.
    Just keep saying “This too shall pass”…that’s all I do when I face tough situations. Even if it may not help the situation any, it gives me the strength to go on.
    You’ll be in my prayers.

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  18. Heather says:

    I’ve been away from the computer for several days, so hopefully the downhill has flattened. I’m sorry it’s been so rough and wish there were something we could do to help.
    You did the right thing; you can’t do it all on your own, and even if you could, it doesn’t mean it would go well either. Sending electronic love and hugs.

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  19. lisa says:

    Carol, this must be so hard for you…emotionally and physically. Is it possible to bring in some help until this phase passes? You are in my prayers that God will give you “enough” strength to endure this. I so wish I was closer to offer whatever help you need. xoxox

    Like

  20. Dawn says:

    Carol…thinking about you daily. Hoping it is somewhat better. Concerned that it might not be.

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