This Calls for Wine

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I suspect this night that calls for wine will be followed by many nights that call for wine. Hey, but it’s a serving of fruit, right?

Husband came home this afternoon with medication for his heart rate and a new dose of morphine for the pain. To be administered every eight hours. I have set up an alarm on my phone as a reminder, because time tends to get away from me. In the hospital, they were controlling the pain and the moaning had stopped. Now he is home, the moaning has begun again. I think it is in large part because he will not just settle and rest. He is up and down. He is fighting using the oxygen all the time and he is fighting using the walker. Both are essential. He is a fighter, indeed. But he’s fighting a lost battle now. He chooses to continue treatments for the cancer – treatments which his oncologist says will do nothing. What he needs to choose is comfort – palliative care – hospice help. He is, however, not going to accept that the “magic” pill is not out there – that the disease is going to win. That even if it could be stopped, his body, his bones have suffered so much damage there are many other risks.

The nurse in charge of palliative care met his stubbornness. She does not agree with him, but she can do nothing. So we are home, where he will fight being reasonable and fight using common sense – because acknowledging would require acknowledging the disease and the inroads it has made into his life. His body is ballooning – there is a tumor pressing against the veins in his right leg, which inhibits the blood flow. His body is unable to rid itself of the fluid produced by the cancer.

It will not be easy. I have a two-year old again. But nobody promised me easy, I have an amazing support system, and I will find – enough.

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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25 Responses to This Calls for Wine

  1. Sheri B says:

    Carol, I’m so sorry to hear that hubby is continuing his fight. But, who knows what I would do if I were in the same situation. Our thoughts, prayers and hugs go out to you. We’ll raise an extra glass of wine in hopes that you truly find — enough. Hugs!

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    • Carol says:

      Thank you!

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  2. Joanne says:

    Yes, wine is a serving of fruit Carol. I do hope your husband can enjoy the wine with you, perhaps it will calm down his fighting spirit. You both need some calmness now. Sending love, hugs and prayers always, my friend. xxx

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    • Carol says:

      Husband is allergic to alcohol, but he is sharing time on the deck.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  3. cobbies69 says:

    Heart felt feelings for both of you,, in my thoughts,,brave of you to write this.. 😉

    Like

  4. jay53 says:

    I would think with the cocktail of drugs your husband is taking, alcohol would be a bad idea, but then again … some people would say ‘why worry’? I know my husband would, if it were him!

    He says, by the way, that if he were ever in this situation, he’d just break out all the comedy movies he could find and sit and watch them, back to back, on the basis that a) he’d have fun, and b) it’s amazing what laughter can do for you in terms of strengthening your immune system etc. But of course none of us know what we would really do, if it came to it.

    I admire your strength. I know there’ll be times when you don’t feel particularly strong, but you are – from the outside, it’s obvious. Enjoy your time together as best you can. Take photos, if you feel they might be nice to have – remember, you can always destroy them later if they’re too painful, but you can’t ever create them in the future, once his time here on earth is past.

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    • Carol says:

      The wine is for me. And for Kat, who is being an incredible help. Husband does not drink.

      I love your husband’s attitude! I hope he is never in that situation, but if he is I hope he does just that.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  5. Dawn says:

    I admire you too. More than you know. This is difficult. You and he are brave souls. I wish I could help, I wish I could make his pain vanish. I wish I could…well…you know. I am sending cyber strength. You are always in my mind. Hugs….lots of hugs.

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    • Carol says:

      Oh Dawn, thank you. The cyber strength will help!

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  6. Kathy says:

    Tears. Fighting is what we humans have learned to do so well. I wish we could all just relax into “what is” and allow Life–and death–to flow through us more easily. Would love to sip some wine with you.

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    • Carol says:

      That is what the palliative nurse at the hospital said, Kathy. It’s our instinct to fight for life. Relaxing into “what is” would be so much more peaceful.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  7. Carol – As your husband pens the last chapters in his life’s book, he’s not listening to his “editor’s” suggestions. As the author, he’s determined to have it his way. For that very reason there are many sad authors with unpublished work…

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    • Carol says:

      Laurie, this brought tears to my eyes!

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  8. suzicate says:

    Fighting is a natural instinct…few ever want to lose the battle of life. I’m glad they’re able to keep your hubby comfortable. The hardest part of a caregiver can be hearing the pain of someone you love. I’m glad you have a good support system. Take care of you and savor your “serving of fruit”.

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    • Carol says:

      Thank you, Suzicate.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  9. Heather says:

    Sounds like he doesn’t know how not to fight. I surely can’t say what I’d do in his (or your) place. I’m glad he enjoyed the deck with you, and that you had your wine. Your strength, as I’ve said before, is impressive – even when you don’t feel strong. Let your support system support you in the coming days. I’ll send any number of loving thoughts you way in the hopes that they reach you.

    Like

    • Carol says:

      Thank you, Heather. Kat and I are hunkering down for the long haul and adjusting our summer anticipations.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  10. lisa says:

    Carol, I’m sure this is unbearably hard for you. Hubby does sound like quite the fighter and has some amazing strength…just like his Wife. 😉 Perhaps he’s waiting for you to give him permission to go ahead of you. Some people fight the inevitable because they’re afraid that they are leaving their loved ones alone. Or, maybe he’s afraid of what lies ahead. While “fruit of the vine” can’t make it go away, hopefully it can help provide the enjoyment you get sharing time on the deck together. And whatever happens, know that you have a support system that will be there to provide the “enough” you need to make it through. xoxo

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    • Carol says:

      Lisa, he is a fighter. But he is also filled with fear. I need the wand that will make him feel some peace.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

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  11. Dear Carol,
    Your husband has a strong instinct to fight for his life. I think mine would be to rest and be as comfortable as possible, but this is a big moment in his life, and you are good to let him live it as he chooses. But it’s hard to watch a loved one suffer, especially needlessly. Wishing you both strength and comfort and peace.
    Love,
    Naomi

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    • Carol says:

      Thank you, Naomi. It is hard to let him live it as he chooses when he doesn’t have the strength to get himself out of chairs or to walk upright, even with the walker. It has been such an sudden decline, I think we’re all in a state of adjustment.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

      Like

  12. Karma says:

    I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, so I fear I have no wise words here. I send you my very best wishes for the strength you need in the days to come. Love the photo of the glass of wine – enjoy the little things!

    Like

    • Carol says:

      Thank you, Karma.

      “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

      Like

  13. Rob says:

    The wisdom of Pooh 🙂 Thinking of you…

    Like

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