The Tracks of my Tears

First I must tell you that I am not a cryer. Most of the time, I am pretty stoic. Not to say I am without passion, but I do not readily display my feelings for the world to see. Today, however, my tears are leaving tracks on my cheeks. Today the world is too heavy. Today it is asking too much. Today I want to scream, to say I think it is unfair!

Today my dear friend who has been suffering with her husband – her husband whose health issues were not detected until he had gone ahead of her to Arizona for the winter. Her husband who at first tried to protect her from his health problems, but when she learned of them she immediately flew to be with him. It has been, and still is, a battle of large proportion, but it seems to be a battle that is not ending – one where new skirmishes keep cropping up. A battle that is giving her no rest, him no comfort. This morning brought more bad news. And my tears made tracks.

I am weary. I am sad. She is essentially alone down there. Although we are suffering many of the same things with our husbands and their declining health, I have friends near me. I have a support system. She suffers alone. I would be there if I could. I would wrap my arms around her and tell her I understand. I would tell her to be strong. I would tell her to take care of herself. I would tell her she will survive.

I cannot be with her. I can pray for her and for him. But. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing her suffer, hearing of her husband’s suffering, watching my husband suffer from pain. Physical and emotional. The physical pain and debilitation prevent him from doing the things he has always done, even a reduced amount of the things he has always done. The physical pain creates the emotional pain. His pain creates pain for me and for those around us who love him.

My tears are leaving tracks. Those tracks may never disappear.

Today – it is not enough.

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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13 Responses to The Tracks of my Tears

  1. Carol, I wish I even knew what to say to bring you comfort. A person can only take so much, I’m sure. I can only keep you, your family and your friend and her family in my prayers… and I will do so, fervently each night before I go to sleep. I wish peace and comfort for all of you.

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  2. Cee Neuner says:

    I think of you and your husband often. I hear your pain. I’ve seen your pain in Chris’s life and how heavy it has been a burden on you. You, partners or supporters of people who are sick, are my heroes. Without you around I would be dead. I know when Chris began to be a grief counselor to volunteer for the children and families that lost loved ones (parents or siblings). She finally got friends and support for herself from the other counselors. I pray your friend can find someone she can talk to and be with. I’m so glad you have a circle of people who help pull you up and support your too. For today, cry and let those well deserved tears fall. You deserve that right too. Just know you are cared for very much and I’m sending you a big virtual hug for being you!!

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  3. Carol, I feel your pain- for yourself and for your friend. I agree with Cee about the benefits of finding a counselor or a respite caregiver. It is hard to always be the one worrying and caring for others. Hopefully you feel the support of all your blog friends, although as much as we want to help we can not. Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you and hopefully better days will come soon.

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  4. Joanne says:

    Oh Carol, just cry my friend. The tears will eventually help the way you are feeling, they will cleanse the soul and wash away just a little of the emotional pain you feel. Your blogging friends are all with you in spirit, just look at the comforting words you have already received from some of them, and now I’m here too. We all love our wonderful friend who shares her laughter and her tears with us so freely and honestly. Know you are loved, know we are here for you. I do hope that helps, dear Carol. Sending you a huge cyber bear-hug today. xxx

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  5. Carol, I’m so sorry for your sadness and the burden you are carrying both in taking care of your husband in his suffering and in caring for your friend, who is also suffering. Who could relate to her better than you? I know it must be heartbreaking to watch your husband’s physical and emotional health deteriorate, and it must be equally sad to not be physically there for your friend. I agree with Joanne: just let yourself cry. Sometimes the tears can be cleansing and wash away our sorrows. Or at least clear them away temporarily, like a fresh rain. Hugs to you… xxx

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  6. Heather says:

    Carol, wish there were anything I could offer to ease your burden, to ease your friend’s burden.
    It’s okay to cry, to feel defeated, to want to give up. Today may not be enough, but some day again will be. Sending you the biggest hugs I can.

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  7. Dear Carol,
    What a heavy burden you bear, and have been for so long. I am amazed at how you focus on the beauty around you, the birds, the girls, the snow and then the flowers. But you don’t always have to be so brave. No one who has not cared for a seriously patient can know how heartbreaking, how exhausting it is, mentally and physically, but most people our age do know the sorrow of losing a loved one, or watching him slip away and be helpless to help him. You are allowed to cry. You deserve that release, and so much more. If I were there, I would make air-popped popcorn with real butter, give you a warm rice bag to prop your feet up on, and we would watch an old movie, or I would read aloud Three Men in a Boat to you with a bad English accent, and we would look up their route on the map. Maybe I would bring six decks of playing cards, and teach you how to play Hand and Foot. I’m so glad you have a support system in place there. But don’t forget to take care of yourself too, and take pleasure in all the little escapes and creature comforts you can. Sometimes even a good cry helps. Wish I could give you a hug, but I’m sending plenty of cosmic hugs your way.
    Love,
    Naomi

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  8. Kathy says:

    Blessings for the track of those tears. My heart goes out to you and your friend, and your husbands…

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  9. Carol – My heart, too, aches for the pain of this situation. I am holding sacred space for you and yours, your friend and hers.

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  10. Colleen says:

    My heart fills as I read this Carol. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
    Love, Colleen

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  11. I’m so glad you’re feeling better today, Carol. At least you have those beautiful spring flowers to brighten up your day. I’m sure you will continue to have many ups and downs; just try to remember, around the corner from every cloudy day is a sunny day waiting just for you! šŸ™‚

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  12. I am so truly sorry to hear all of this. I do understand the suffering of watching your husband suffer. I go through this daily myself and know there will be no end to it. There are no real words of comfort, just simply an understanding. Like you, I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family. I completely understand how you must feel being helpless to help your friend, alone in the suffering. My prayers and thoughts are with you, your friend and both your husbands.

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  13. lisa says:

    I’ve been MIA lately with so much chaos in my world. I wish I could drop everything and wrap you in a big security hug. But, just as you pray for your friend, I pray for you and yours. Sometimes that is all we can do….and although it doesn’t seem like it….it’s always more than enough. Take care, my friend and know there are many people lifting you (and your friend) up.

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