It Feels Like Spring and I Want. . .

It is 60 degrees out here. I am sitting on my front deck. I pulled the tarp off the table and chairs and I brought out one chair cushion. If you’d like to join me, I’ll bring out more. I’m pretending it’s spring, because I need spring. I need sitting on my deck, feeling the fresh air. Waiting for the birds.

I want:

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To feel the pleasure of laying on the snow

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To roll in the snow, with those frozen crystals scratching my back, luxuriating in the freedom to roll, to have the sensual pleasure of rolling, to look at those around me when I’m done with that “what?” expression on my face.

I want to sit on my deck and click pictures of the birds. This equation requires birds. They’ll be here soon, and I have filled feeders to welcome them back. I’m waiting. Anxiously.

Husband’s improvement after the surgery for the brain tumor has been overshadowed by the increasing pain – pain caused by the cancer in the back and pelvic bones, by the disc disease in his spine – just discovered. His days now are filled with pain, are filled with enduring the time between doses of pain pills which only reduce the pain small amounts. His days are filled with – life? I think not. I question the treatments meant to prolong life when life is pain. I question. If it were me, I would call a halt. I would not have that radiation for what remains of the brain tumor, the first treatment of which is scheduled for tomorrow. I would cry for pain control, I would cry to be left alone, I would cry to be released. Released.

But it is not me, it is not my decision. I can only sit here, listen to the jays squawking their shrill complaints, sharing the squawks, the discontent, the desire for peace.

This is why I am mainly quiet. This is why I have been reading blogs, but commenting rarely. Because my mood and thoughts are not uplifting, and you do not need downers added to your lives. There are enough of those already.

This will pass. I will work through it. In the meantime, I wish you enough!

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About Carol

I'm me - nothing unusual, just me. Widowed, 2 grown children who are my best friends, 2 dogs, 1 cat, retired, loving being retired. I am woman, I am strong.
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9 Responses to It Feels Like Spring and I Want. . .

  1. suzicate says:

    Cancer is a terrible thing. The pain at times is unbearable. I remember my brother screaming out. It is a terrible thing to hear the torments of those you love. I’m sorry your husband is going through this dreadful experience, Sending you warms wishes and big hugs, Carol.

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  2. Carol – Sitting with you quietly on your porch.

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  3. Carol, I’m so sorry that your husband is continuing to suffer such pain. I know it is painful for you to watch and to have to help him bear his suffering. You are strong. He must have a strong will to live. I’m like you; I think I’d just want it over with. I pray that you will have, like you said, enough: strength, patience, love, and peace. Enough of whatever it is you need. The birds will come; don’t worry. šŸ™‚

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  4. Carol, I am so sorry for your husband’s physical pain , as well as your emotional pain. All you can do is be strong. I am glad you can take a few moments to step out on your deck and relax. I am glad you have your girls to comfort you so you can be there for your husband. Wishing peace for you all.

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  5. Kathy says:

    Yes, sitting with you (like the others) and listening. Sometimes there don’t seem to be answers or even words. Just being with another, watching the dogs roll in the snow or seeing the pain. Hugs…

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  6. Heather says:

    Joining the group on the porch, in silence or in chatter. Waiting for birds, spring, happier days. They will come. Meanwhile, let’s live a little vicariously though your exuberant puppies. (hug)

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  7. lisa says:

    While I haven’t experienced this sort of pain personally, know that I’m with you in thought and prayer to endure these difficult times. Know that you are virtually surrounded by people who will lift you up for support and comfort. May your birds come quickly to make you smile again.

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  8. Hi Carol,
    I am so sorry to hear that your husband is in such pain. I feel more like you do about it. It is very very difficult to watch one you love suffer. I am sending hugs and love through the blogosphere, and wishing it could be more.

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  9. Colleen says:

    I’m so sorry Carol. It’s not easy to watch our loved ones in pain, this I know. And to stay close enough to comfort and support yet separate enough to honor their choices and wishes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Honoring you in this…..

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