Just for a moment, I need to wail a bit. I need to wallow. I need to tell you that patience sometimes comes hard to me. I need to say that I understand husband is in pain, that life is exceedingly difficult for him right now. I understand that, I really do. But right now, this night, at this time, I am weary of being patient, I am weary of being there, I am weary of fixing meals at odd hours because he has slept through dinnertime and I am weary of fixing meals at any time to be told what I should have/could have done with whatever it was I cooked. I am weary of his having lost the ability to put dishes in the dishwasher, to put his trash in the trash, to maybe even wash a dish or two now and then. I am weary of needing to be available, to be at his beck and call, ready to do for him.
I am weary of being strong. I am weary of carrying that stiff upper lip around, of trying to look past the fact that he no longer walks – now he shuffles. I am weary of worrying when he goes out to his shop, his haven, and stays there late into the night. I am weary of being afraid that he may have fallen and not be able to get up because sometimes when he needs to step up he does not lift his foot as high as it should go and he is unsteady at the best of times.
I wonder. I wonder how much a favor we do to the aged, the infirm, those suffering with advanced cancer, as he is. The treatments, the medications our physicians provide to extend life – is this a good thing? Who are we doing this for? For them – the aged, the infirm, the suffering? Or for their loved ones, those of us who are not ready to give them up? He is now a shell of the man he was and I do not kid myself that he is not aware of this. I do not for a moment doubt the agony he went through in working through that knowledge, in learning to live with life as it is now for him. I know how it was. I was here. I lived through it with him.
Because I know this, I understand and I know I need to be strong. I need to be patient. I need to carry that stiff upper lip around for as long as it is necessary. I know this. I know this. But there are moments when I would like to come first, when a pat on the back, a hug of appreciation, a hoorah “you’re a champ!” would be good. Okay, maybe I don’t need to be a champ. I do need to feel I matter too.
I think it must be time for a massage and a pedicure. It must be time for some me pampering. I think I will see if I can arrange that for early this week. Because. Just because. Loreal says it well: I deserve it!
So now that I have wailed and I have tested your patience, I feel better. Now I would like to share with you the cat wars (all in good fun, I’m quite certain) that I witnessed as I had my coffee this morning. The Lily cat and the Twiggy cat were in rare form.
Maybe Twiggy also needed to wail, to be number one, to lash out. You think?
Thank you all for being there, for listening. I hope you hear the words as they were intended and understand these feelings come and go and sometimes they need to be released.